My Disappearing Act

It was pointed out to me the other day that I haven't posted here for a month and a half. Which is completely not like me. Since I started this blog 4 years ago, I haven't been absent for such long periods of time. The first reason is that between graduate school and being the Relief Society President I don't have a lot of time, period. The second reason being that this term is kicking my trash. Despite taking fewer credits and not having a practicum I can barely keep up. I'm taking two history classes for my actual endorsement and they have 100+ pages of reading a week. On top of that are my Assessment and Social Studies Methods classes which require me to create unit and lesson plans, which is by far the most difficult task I have faced so far in the program, especially the part where I have to do it without a set a curriculum to base them on. And on top of all of that are all the various responsibilities of my calling. And the fact that my classes are quite spread out, meaning I don't have large chunks of time to settle into homework, only an hour here or there during the day. Which means I probably won't be back for another month and a half until finals are over and I am free for three weeks. I hope all your lives are less stressful and more fun! See you in December.

What's Been Going On In My Mind

I have been busy moving and nannying the Peanut so I haven't had much time to blog, but I thought I could jot down some thoughts since the Peanut is taking a nap.

Three things I now consider luxuries:

• Taking a shower or going to the loo without a toddler or canine audience.
• Not having to share my food with anyone. Especially with those who refuse to eat their own.
• Living on my own internal schedule, not someone else's.

Three things I will need to consider before I get married and have children:

• Silencing the Martyrdom gene I inherited from my mother that runs rampant in the women on that side of the family and which tells us that we basically have to throw ourselves on the pyre and that if things aren't going well it is because we just aren't doing enough.
• I might be the meanest mother in town. Possibly the world.
• Tantrums and PMS will undoubtedly coincide, but there has to be a way for them to do so non-violently.

Three things I have learned while nannying a 17 month-old:

• If a child decides to throw a tantrum and is not in a position to injure themselves I will just let them throw it. Unless we are in public.
• I hope I have children who are early verbalizers, because I hate guessing and the inevitable tantrums that come from guessing wrong.
• My future husband and I are going to have a long and involved discussion about responsibilities and rules and expectations so that we each know explicitly what the other is thinking about raising a child before the actual wedding.

Three things I will definitely miss when this gig is done:

• The sweet little kiss the Peanut gives when we are singing before bedtime. Usually right before he falls asleep on my shoulder.
• The hugs he requires after a tantrum, even if I'm the reason for the tantrum.
• His total glee at all he sees in the world. He is excited by every car or truck, every dog, every little lizard we see in the yard, every new thing he sees. It makes me excited.

Feeling Smugly Proud of Myself

I successfully replaced the toilet seat in my bathroom today. While it is a very simple procedure, that does not negate the fact that it makes me feel I will one day be able to make it as a homeowner. Now I just need to get a steady income.

Moments of Truth

Ever have those moments in which something random, from a film or song or story hits you with impressive and inordinate force? Maybe it is just me, but I was watching Last Chance Harvey (which is marvelous and should be required watching for anyone who enjoys Emma Thompson or Dustin Hoffman) and Emma's character Kate says "You see, what I think it is, is . . . is I think that I’m more comfortable with being disappointed." This line almost made me cry. I am, especially in matters of men, dating, relationships, etc., very much more comfortable being disappointed. It is much safer than getting one's hopes up. Which seems a very sad way to live one's life, however many times one has previously been disappointed or had one's hopes dashed. It has given me something to ponder. Any thoughts?

End Result

I took the plunge and called my stylist today - she had an appointment open this evening and by 8 o'clock I was walking out of the salon feeling like a million dollars. I LOVE my new hair. It feels wonderful and is fun and youthful and makes my glasses look cooler and makes me feel less dowdy. Behold:

I do apologize for the hasty, camera-timer, poor lighting pictures. I'm a little excited. All I can say is "Yay!"

Highly Probably Outcome

So, I am feeling restless and adventurous and like I want to take a risk. My personal life doesn't really afford much in the way of adventure or risk-taking right now. Writing blog posts late on a Tuesday night seems to be about as crazy as it gets. Not that I'm really complaining - stability is a good thing. However, something needs to change. Which means I have been seriously toying with the idea of chopping my hair. It is really only chin length right now, so by chop I mean a few more inches. I have had it very short before, but not for quite some time. So I would like your opinions. Or at least hoping that if it is a really bad idea a voice of sanity will reach through the internets and virtually slap some sense into me. But first I should show you what I am thinking.

Above is the old standby of hair risk I have never quite been brave enough to demand. I have tried once or twice and been convinced by stylists that perhaps I should go with something slightly different, i.e. not so bold, short, or made for a face like Gwyneth Paltrow's. I understand their hesitancy because I obviously have a very different face, but they needn't have feared any retribution on my part if I ended up not liking it. Hair grows, I don't care that much, it is just hair, etc. Then I watched an Audrey Hepburn movie called How to Steal a Million which is worth watching just for a yummy, young Peter O'Toole and Hepburn's Givenchy wardrobe. But it also made me realize I really want to cut my hair.

I am a bit obsessed with her hair right here. I don't have an Audrey Hepburn face either, so I'm sure my stylist would balk, but I really do adore the short, faux-beehiveness of it all. Am I crazy? Here are some other angles:

Any opinions? I won't be able to make an appointment for a few days, so feel free to let me know what you think, dear readers. Although, it is a highly probably outcome. And if you want to see the hair in action, How to Steal a Million is streaming on Netflix.

Edited to Add: This is the current state of my hair. Just thought that might help with the opinion-making.

What A Difference A Week Makes

First of all, thank you to you all for your wonderful thoughts, prayers, cards, calls, good wishes etc.! I was at a personal nadir, and it helped to know there were people out there who care. I did do what ZB suggested and it feels like a load has been taken off of me. I still have a lot of responsibility and a lot of demands on my time, but some of the things that have been haunting me for the past couple of years have diminished. Part of it was just saying it (or rather publishing it) out loud. And I took some time to do things that make me happy. Like turn off my cell phone and read a book that has nothing to do with school or church or anything but my love of mystery novels set in England. I downloaded some music. I played. And I feel better.

Some of the things I enjoyed:

• Reading the incredible Doctor Who recaps in the archives at Television Without Pity. They have some incredible writing and make me want to re-watch the show starting with the Pilot looking for all the things I totally missed.
• The return of the rain and the end of the sunshine. I like that it hasn't gotten over 65 degrees for the past 3 days.
• Showing off the Bellingham area to my awesome family.

• The album 19 by Adele, specifically the song "Hometown Glory."
• Ghirardelli Triple Chocolate Brownie mix.
• Fireworks.

Again, thanks for everyone's care and support - I appreciate it!